a satirical suggestion for millennials


Do you find yourself getting exhausted after hours spent scrolling through your various newsfeeds every day? Do you have piles of money lying around in yellow bags with thick black dollar signs on them, just like that emoji I know you’re thinking of? Have you ever been curious about cocaine (like, just a little curious? Not enough to be concerning, but like, enough)? And finally, do you ever wish you could check your social media accounts continuously throughout the day, never once stopping to take a probably much-needed break?

Karen Tsai / Design Editor
Karen Tsai / Design Editor

If you answered yes to all of the previously listed questions, prepare to have your mind blown with something having to do with blow!

Recently, while sitting atop my piles of money, not unlike Scrooge McDuck in the critically acclaimed animated series Ducktales, I was catching up on social media and suddenly became aware of how severely fatigued I was. You’re probably thinking that I was tired after climbing my mammoth mountain of money, but that cannot be the source of my exhaustion. I climb that mountain every day and it’s actually the only form of exercise I enjoy.

That’s when I realized that I was so tired from looking at all of my social media! It was exhausting and it wore me out. Some mornings I could barely get out of bed. I spent hours scrolling through Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, Pinterest, Vine, Snapchat, mindlessly absorbing myriad boring, cringe-inducing posts about pumpkins, lattes, and pumpkin spiced lattes until my eyes felt like they were going to bleed. I thought, “I wish there was something I could do to increase my newsfeed stamina.” It was only after looking at Instagram, staring at all the pictures, reading everyone’s various posts about how they “literally can’t” and how they’re “#overit” did I realize that I, too, literally couldn’t anymore and was becoming #overit.

My thumbs were getting tired. Carpal tunnel was setting in. I was slowly but surely becoming unable to continue. Had I reached my social media breaking point? It felt like it, but I was not about to accept that. I needed something to kick me back into gear. And just entertaining the idea of possibly no longer being connected to my social media induced a sense of fear that I can only assume is similar to how people who fear clowns feel about the latest season of American Horror Story.

I was about to give up. I could feel my knuckles starting to fail me. But then I scrolled through Tumblr one final time, and that’s when I saw it. Glowing before me was a sponsored post — you know, that new thing that Tumblr does where the Illuminati running it post anything of significance on your feed? — posted by “Cocaine.” It was a text post (I guess you can’t upload a picture of hardcore drugs? #LAME) that read “Get that extra bump you need to blow through life.” What an adorable play on words!

It was like the gods of Tumblr had sent me a message. Actually, it was like they sent me a direct message on Twitter, which is unanimously agreed upon by social media scholars to be the most direct method of communication. I had never tried or purchased cocaine before (#LAME), but I’d only heard great things about it from all of my peers who also have a surplus of moneybags.

I read the comments on Cocaine’s picture.

“It’s super expensive but, like, what isn’t these days, lol!”

“I’ve heard it’s really addicting but, like, so is gluten, lol!”

“Apparently ‘coke-nose-bleeds’ are the hottest trend this fall … lol! #BuhbyePumpkin.”

I was hooked already and I hadn’t even done it yet! Next, I commented on Cocaine’s picture and said that I would like to purchase some. A few minutes later, a plastic baggie filled with white powder was delivered to my doorstep (because that’s how the Internet works). I acquired the substance just in time. I was falling asleep with my phone glued to my face (#LAMEST). Since I had never dabbled in the world of cocaine before that moment, I guesstimated the correct amount to take. I did this by emptying a Pixy Stix straw, filling it up with cocaine, and then pouring that directly into my throat. The result of this felt like I had emptied four to five hundred regular Pixy Stix into my throat. ALSO MY BRAIN STARTED THINKING ONLY IN CAPS-LOCK.

My knuckles rose from the dead, my thumbs furiously scrolled through my feeds, my eyes demonically twitched from the abundance of cocaine pumping through my blood. All was well!

After suffering from only minor panic attacks, health problems and unstoppable twitching, I can confidently recommend using cocaine to boost your social media stamina with a solid two thumbs (shaking uncontrollably) way up!

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